Death Teeth

How do you do it all? I’m asked that question quite a bit, rhetorically I think, but I was really asked that yesterday and here’s my answer. Ready?

I don’t do it all. I mess it all up and call it intentional living.

Alex lost a tooth a few days ago. I have a “thing” with teeth. As in, I don’t like looking at them in their “removed from your mouth” state. Why? Growing up, I was told that dreaming of lost teeth meant death. Once that was firmly planted into the dark corners of my very creative and often paranoid mind, I had nightmares. Nightmares consisting of stretched gums over bones protruding like Pinocchio’s nose with teeth dangling from them. *shivers*

Quite like Ace Ventura’s fear of bats. Just imagine a cave full of teeth – and this would be my reaction.

Back to Alex’s teeth. I’m the tooth fairy. The tooth fairy is my snarky alter ego. I have to have some fun, right? Last time Alex lost a tooth, I conveniently put the traumatic event behind me the moment he told me. Alex knows of my irrational hatred for these things.

Day 1: No money left under the pillow
My excuse: It was Sunday and the Fairy banks were closed. “What about ATMs?” They’re not that advanced in fairy land.

Day 2: No money left under the pillow (at which point I kick myself)
My excuse: We just moved and she also hasn’t synced her GPS to find us in the new place.

Day 3: Money left under the pillow, with a note from said Fairy in the scrolliest (is that a word) handwriting I could find on my favorite stationary
My reason: Fairies are known for hijinx and we needed written proof that Mommy’s excuses were reasons. I added a P.S. Sorry for using your mother’s favorite stationary.

Now that, set the tone. The Tooth Fairy and I had a beef. A beef that has continued for a year, and was added to this week.

Why does this kid keep losing his teeth on Sunday’s?! He came to me, very proud and more excited than anything knowing he was about to gross me out with that hole in his mouth. I shut my eyes and begged him to put it in a napkin, fold it up and firmly place it in a plastic bag for that no-good-thief-of-stationary fairy.

Day 1: No money left under the pillow
My excuse: I refuse to talk to her. She stole my stuff and didn’t apologize. She did in that letter, whatever. Semantics. I just forgot.

Day 2: No money left under the pillow
My excuse: You’re sleeping in the wrong room, Alex. She doesn’t know your camping out in my room while Daddy is traveling.

Day 3: Money under the pillow
My reason: I gotta get that tooth out of my room before the nightmares come.

I ask him if the Tooth Fairy came to visit and he searched under his pillow and found 8 quarters. He was relieved that the Tooth Fairy found him and all was well. He did share that she mistakenly left a dollar more than she should have. His tooth cracked in two pieces, after it came out. What? I can’t have her be the perfect one! She’s out a dollar! Alex is out a dollar. Crap.

Here’s the rest of the story. Last night, after I settled in for some reading, I turned on this knock-you-out-sleep app that I pull out when I have to punch myself into oblivion. Just as I am about to drift, I catapult out of bed with visions of cracked teeth and morbid death. I have to get money into that plastic bag of death under my kid’s head.

I never have cash. EVER. “Think, Cristina. Think!” I talk to myself all the time too. I had to do the worst thing possible (according to the radio host I listened to this morning). I walked into Alex’s room and took 8 quarters from his piggy bank. I’ll pay it back in Pokemon cards and Minecraft mods.

I can still feel those little pebble teeth between my fingers – I took them out with, what else? A sock over my hand. Who’s going to go all the way downstairs, in the dark to root around in a junk drawer (I have 4) for a more appropriate shield from Alex’s death-teeth? You?!

Totally Terrifying, thank you Paramount Pictures #nothankyou
Totally Terrifying, thank you Paramount Pictures #nothankyou

See? I don’t do it all. There’s no way. I have to fall off in some areas. That’s human. That’s real. In fact, I mess it up, all the time, but at least it keeps life interesting – and more importantly me laughing at myself.

And, yes. I threw out the socks.

Have any creative responses to your snarky Tooth Fairy? How do you mess up and keep it interesting?

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21 thoughts on “Death Teeth

  1. I’m totally cracking up over here!!! Okay, 1) did you not ever touch your own teeth when they came out at as child? 2) I’ve totally forgotten that the tooth fairy was supposed to come and have raided the change jar while said child was taking their morning bathroom trip 3) 3rd time’s a charm, if #3 has a loose tooth, I watch the cash stash VERY closely at all times, lol and 4) for real? you really threw out the sock?!?!? XOXO!

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    1. I totally threw out the sock. Just thinking about it, back in my drawer or in the hamper, breeding seeds of teeth-death. I wouldn’t get to sleep.

      And THIS is one of the less bizarre irrational fears I coddle. Don’t get me started on underwear!

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  2. I don’t mess up, lol. As if. In our family we don’t do Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny but I always tell my children not to tell other children. Of course my 5 year old tells a 9 year old yesterday there is not Easter Bunny it is your parents, UGH!!! I played it pretty cool when he said right mama. I don’t know what you are talking about, why would you say that. Then gave him a talking to after.
    P.S. They get money when there teeth fall out, and Easter Baskets, we celebrate the 12 days of Christmas we wanted to put the focus on Our Lord in the holidays and the fake people. We get gifts and baskets to celebrate the feasts! And $$ for our tooth because it is a milestone. My poor kids.

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    1. Alex I think, knows something’s up, but he doesn’t want to break my heart. He looked at my husband once and said “Heyyyy, are YOU Santa?! and my husband said, “Do I look like Santa?”

      Alex said, yeah kinda, from the waist down! o_O

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  3. So funny because our Tooth Fairy is usually a day to four behind schedule. The excuses range from, “You lost it too late to be put on the schedule…The weather was bad…You were sleeping somewhere different…flu season…you lost it down the drain! And she had to find it first to verify you actually lost a tooth…”

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  4. I kept all my son’s teetj and one day he found my secret box and confronted me about it. I told him they were mine, when he said they look like his, I dropped the subject. I’m classy like that. LOL

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      1. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

        I even had a reader send me a pin of a HUGE tooth and, well here, look at it:

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  5. I totally loved this post, Cristina! Extremely funny! There are no ATM’s in fairyland – they’re not that advanced. Love that and it cracked me up! ☺ Also brought back some really happy memories. Many years ago, my sister and I lived together – her 3 children were little and my sister and her husband had temporarily separated. When one of the kids would lose a tooth, my sister would make such a big deal – she’d sprinkle fairy dust (glitter) around their room and on the windowsill (as if that’s where the fairy had made her exit with the tooth) … my sister made such a big deal about it, but she never had the money to put under the pillow – for that she had to see the Fairy Financier and that was me. I love those kids as though they’re my own, so I was always a fairly generous Fairy Financier (plus I didn’t want them to complain that the Tooth Fairy was cheap). ☺The kids would be so happy when they’d wake in the morning to find the fairy dust and the money – and my sister would always tell them that the Fairy’s boss must like them a lot to send such a big tip for the fairy to leave in exchange for their tooth. Oh the good ole’ days! Your post really brought them and all their fun back to me. Enjoy your little ones while they’re little and losing teeth – even if you do have to use a sock to gather them. ☺ Too funny!

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    1. Fairy dust?!?!? Man am I ever missing out. I would LOVE to use glitter on anything. My husband? Not so much. I think he would divorce me if I ever even considered flinging glitter everywhere. He’s kind of OCD like that.

      Alex is asking what he’s going to get for his silver cap that just fell out. I nipped that quick!

      “She doesn’t do silver. It’s gold or bust, sorry. She’s a snob”

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  6. That was really funny! I don’t mind the teeth, but I have, on occasion, forgotten to slip the money in. So I blame the kid. I tell them it must have fallen somewhere and to go look for it. I, in the meantime, get a dollar and fold it into the palm of my hand. Then I go in and search the bed. See? it was here all along! You just didn’t look under the stuffed animal/blanket/dust bunny. Not only will you have saved the day, but you would prove again that mom = magic! #SITSblogging

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  7. LOL!!! I’m a change hound, so having the money around is never an issue. I don’t do the tooth fairy any more. I did it for my two boys (who are all growed up and don’t believe in that stuff. Not too mention, I am not going into their apartments at 2:00 am to find them making out with some chick).

    But, my fiance has 4 kids. 14, 10, 8 and 7. He tries to get me to do the TF. But I won’t. You spawned these children, you do the TF!! I paid my dues.

    And that picture….roaring with laughter here!! Just imagine. Each tooth hosts a city full of Teethians!! How awesome is that!! And when a tooth breaks open, they scatter all over the place. Scampering around lord knows where. Best change his bed sheets, Cristina. xoxo

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    1. Noooooooooooooooooooooo! Picture me screaming that as I fall to my knees and the imaginary video camera (that I talk to at the grocery store and meetings at work) pans away amidst a thundery rainy stormed bedroom. Why is it raining in my room? Cleaning of the teethians. Which may or may not be the title of my book.

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      1. It’s a good title.

        However, you then will be constantly reminded of the little buggers. And have to talk about them. Before you know it, you are pretty much in bed with them. They will never exit your life, even after the tooth fairy has ceased to exist in your home.

        But I like it! I vote yes! You’re welcome!

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