I’ve been sitting here staring at my screen, wondering what I would write, what I could write that would explain what’s been going on in the corners of my mind.
I’ve been busy, quite. I’ve been writing, a lot. A whole lot.
I finished a book Sunday night, that I began, and then put down for a couple of months. I put it down because I didn’t want to believe that I could be what it was calling me to be. There is always a level of doubt in my abilities. Some call it humility, I call it doubt.
I want to be a writer. A real, writing writer. But what does that mean? And how do you know when you’ve achieved that? How do you know when it’s ok to say “yes, I’m a writer”. I feel like a phony. I’m not a writer, I am an executive assistant in a corporate office. I am a mom and wife to a family that watches Ink Master reruns and critiques artists’ work. We really did that last night. All of us on the couch with my plaid blanket and box of tissues.
Can I give myself the writer title because I write here? Or maybe because I practice writing prompts online in secret, where I can make mistakes or write about critical events that I’ve left dormant on the dusty shelves of my mind? Or is it simpler? Is it because I want to write and try, that I am a writer?
I have to get serious, I feel an urge to get there, wherever there is. My mind is not at the publication stage, or at the novel stage. I don’t even have a chapter let alone a few pages. I don’t know. I know there is something inside of me that needs to get out (not in a creepy alien sort of way, relax people). Words. Words and stories, and memories, and feelings, all out. Because in a way, I don’t know if it’s real unless it’s on paper. Here’s what I have done:
1. Created a Pinterest board. Because that’s always step one in a project right? It’s how this blog started. Collecting images and articles around writing and gaining further inspiration from others who pinned it! Success!
2. Subscribed to a pretty large writing organization that gives 2 weeks worth of writing prompts to get rid of writer’s block. I don’t think I have writer’s block, but I thought it would be a way to get the creative writing juices flowing.
3. Started another blog. It’s private and where I write out these prompts. Some are short, and the one I am in now is at a turning point. We’ll see how that goes. But progress, right? I consider that blog this blog’s rough sidekick. Like in a sidecar, sidekick. So not the cool sidekick. Can I write sidekick one more time?
4. Reading other blogs and writing groups. I don’t even know if they see me watching in the nose bleed seats and that’s ok. I comment rarely. Mostly I am in awe and trying to pick up on the mechanics of it. I don’t know if novels or short stories are where I am going. I always thought myself a memoir gal, but who knows.
5. Pulled out some old writing. I took a creative writing course a couple of years ago and wrote a couple of short stories, some poetry (yeah, I know) and a couple of scenes. I think it would help if I could take another course or go to a conference, but that’s something that is on the back burner. I’m going to Italy in a couple of months for 12 days, I can’t head out to a conference now! In the meantime, I will re-work these and see if they can even “be” anything now.
6. Books to read. As in adding them to my Amazon wish list. I can’t buy any books during Lent, because I chose to give that up (thanks a lot Emily). Think Flannery O’Connor, Virginia Woolf, Francine Prose and Annie Dillard to name a few. I just keep adding them to my wish list, and hope I get a gift card for Easter.
7. Pray. Yep – because this is a Catholic blog and I am a Catholic gal. I pray that I end up where I am supposed to be and I’m given the grace to do it right. I also pray with the intercession of that guy to your left St. Francis de Sales, patron saint of writers.
In the meantime, I’ve been hammering away at the posts for the #AtoZchallenge and am at the letter H now. I’d be happier if I was at the letter N, but we have the sickies here, and that’s pretty good considering it was written between Mucinex doses and cough drops.
So that’s left me thinking, what are you doing? What is your secret want, if you could really make a go of it? Have you tried to get from here, right now, to your ultimate “there”? How does it make you feel and how will you know if you’ve gotten there? What’s your roadmap?
Make me feel less anxious about this, and I’ll send you a raisin biscuit. I just made them today to make me feel better. I’ve had two. Make that three. Or maybe, I’ll let you in on this secret blog I’m deathly afraid to share. What is that quote from Jack Canfield? Everything you want is on the other side of fear?
Update: And because I should just bite the bullet instead of staring and staking the site (long before Carrie mustered up her courage – which makes her tops in my book), this will be linked to….dun dun duuuuuuuuuuun.
If you want to jump in with me, I’ll hold your hand (after my hand sanitizer ritual). Sign up and share the insecurities, this way it’s not so heavy. They post and link up the first Wednesday of the month, and I’m a little late, but I like to slip in undetected anyway.