This week’s reading smacked all of us in the face. HARD. Well my family anyway.
Thus should one regard us: as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God.
Now it is of course required of stewards that they be found trustworthy.
It does not concern me in the least that I be judged by you or any human tribunal; I do not even pass judgment on myself;
I am not conscious of anything against me, but I do not thereby stand acquitted; the one who judges me is the Lord.
Therefore, do not make any judgment before the appointed time, until the Lord comes, for he will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will manifest the motives of our hearts, and then everyone will receive praise from God.
Lexicon is not getting on in school again, and it was a rough Friday. Really rough. He asked to speak to me and he told me the whole sordid affair as only a 9 year old could tell it; complete with no hope in sight. Lexicon is the type to not say anything – to keep it all in. But when you start out with
Mommy, do you think I was meant for something great?
You know he’s a deep and heavy thinker. I won’t get into all of the little details because, those are his. I will share what it looked like. I breastfed Lexicon. He is my second baby (my first is with my grandmother in heaven playing “pattycake” – I know it) I held him football style and that’s how he cried in my lap. Only the nurturing wasn’t milk, but just listening to him. After putting him to bed with some confidence building words from me, I spoke with my husband. We already made plans to take them to see the Lego Movie the next day and decided we needed to do something – but steeping in some thought was required.
In the dark, as the movie is going, I see so much of Lexicon in the main character (not to mention HE LOVES LEGOS): desperately wanting to be noticed and remembered by a friend, any friend. Just when Emmet feels like he can’t take on being a Master Builder, Vitruvius’ character (or the Oracle character) said something. It was so profound and so deep and perfect for my little Lexicon that I pulled out a scrap from a pull out in the church bulletin and scrawled this out for him:
I feel the same, sometimes. I get worried about how others perceive and misjudge who I am and how I think, or feel about a thing. I spoke about this at length with my husband that evening. In speaking with some friends, there were embedded judgments of decisions I was making, and have made, in what on the surface, seemed like polite conversation. There was a time that I wouldn’t recognize such jabs, and now I am open to hearing what’s meant simply because I listen more.
Yesterday, I participated in the Rite of Sending at mass. I am sponsoring two beautiful people, a mother and a daughter and I couldn’t be more thrilled to be a part of this huge milestone in their lives. I brought my boys into the cry room (or the sky box, take your pick) as my husband went to help S with some gift card sales for the school. My husband came to get the boys to sit with them in our usual spot and Deacon TC cracked a little joke in front of the candidates and catechumens:
Deacon TC: “You know we have a spot for ya, you can join right in”
My husband: “Very funny, maybe some other time”
It’s all in good fun and love, so my husband leaves with the boys I stay behind to process in with the RCIA peeps. Lexicon comes back a few minutes later.
Lexicon: Mommy, I need the envelope.
Me: Sure honey. Hey, ask Daddy to sit with me in the front. It’s ok.
Lexicon: We can’t.
Lexicon: We’re giving the gifts. BYE! *runs away*
I say nothing. We process out and I hear that reading I referred to at the beginning and whipped out my pen and underlined it thinking to myself – my bloggy peeps gotta get in on this.
It’s time to give the gifts. I know it, my candidates know it, the RCIA peeps know it and Deacon TC knows it. I can feel more heat than all the burned spots on my fingers from the curling iron.
I am trying to hold it together and here they come. Little Monk holding the wine, Lexicon holding the water, and my husband, holding the Eucharist.
Tears falling on the hymnal, tears on the tip of my nose, and I have to hold it all together. I can’t let him see me cry!!! I don’t know. I never want to make it a big deal. He turns around and looks so happy and pleased, he just winks at me and walks back.
This, from a man who is an atheist. This from a man, who says, “I’m not Catholic” a quazillion times a day.
When I talked to him after he said, who cares what anyone thinks, I wanted to give a gift to the mass for your RCIA peeps. I only thought it right since this was such a big day for you too, I wanted to help. Indeed, who cares what anyone thinks.
As we were leaving, I saw a woman I had entered church with in 2012 and she stopped to tell me that she’s seen my husband come such a long way and how I had to be told. Because maybe I was so close to it, I didn’t see it. Or that I had shut my eyes to anything at all where his faith was concerned because I didn’t want to push or pull him to or from anything. She also said, that I would never let myself take any credit for any of it. And I won’t. It’s not my battle, remember?
Man, I love the Holy Spirit and Our Lady Undoer of Knots. I’ve been praying this Novena with Tiffany and my intention was just his conversion of heart among other things. Can we consider this fruit?
And because you guys are so awesome, here’s a pin-able / printable for you of my little Lexicon’s quote from The Lego Movie: